Research Team

Filippo Grassi
Head Cleaner
Filippo has more than thirty years experience cleaning heads. He's cleaned fish heads, tape heads, and many other heads. He began his career as a roadie for Talking Heads, making sure they were immaculate.

Hong Kong Office

Jason Waddell
Head of Acquisitions Optimization
Jason joined us in 2014 to help smooth our purchase of Google. He joined on a Monday - by Tuesday he had fired the entire Mergers and Acquisitions department, on Wednesday he made our offer, on Thursday it was declined, and on Friday we celebrated with the money we'd saved. There was still so much left over that we kept him on, and since then he's helped us nearly buy Walmart, Boeing, BT, and Pizza Hut. The savings have been phenomenal.

Very Senior Management

Habad Olad
Mayor of Africa
Habad Olad is an elusive bug-type pokemon developed by Toshiba for invasive species management. We stole him from the women's clothing department at Peter Jones, where he worked for many years. If seen, make a small offering of gold and then please contact the British Trust for Ornithology or come to us directly.

Rayan Haindl
Chief Food Omnomer
Our talented CFO is formally on loan to us from the ETH University Library, and we never intend to return him. Under our nurturing, he has grown from an introductory Mathematica manual into a critically acclaimed popular science anthology. He is currently studying to become a graphic novel, and one day hopes to win a Pulitzer Prize.

Spinny
Senior Web Designer
Spinny ballooned into our office one day and took up residence in the kitchen window. Impressed by her grace and number of legs, we made her head of web design and demoted Doug to an intern. Our website is now more beautiful than ever and it even catches flies.

Analytics Team

Toby Hoten
Morale
After the courts found us "guilty", the press labelled us "evil", and the National Institute For Comedy called us "not funny", we brought Toby in as ethical consultant. Professor of Moral Philosophy at the University of Toby, Dr. Hoten does impressive work exploring the correlation between indecision and video games. Toby recommends always doing the opposite of what he says, so we don't. W'all'dn't've known what to do without him.

Tara Guyard
President of the Future Department of Procrastinaton
Coming soon...

Brand Management

Douglas Maguire
Web Design Intern
Doug appeared on our radar while we were up there one day and we discovered him sleeping on it. We cleaned him up and fed him a good meal, and now we can't get rid of him. But we wouldn't want to anyway.

Council of Elders

Elowyn Stevenson
Chief Executive Officer
During Elowyn's first six months she ruled with an iron fist. There was unparalleled productivity during this time, but after the team purchased an industrial strength electro-magnet, a compromise was reached. Elowyn now rules with a copper fist, and productivity flounders once again.

Kathy Stevenson
Key Beeper
We found Kathy wrapped in a blanket, floating peacefully down the Yangtze River while we were there on business in 1998. She had ended up in the river after dropping out of art school at the age of 13. We immediately brought her onboard and brought her onboard. Elowyn officially adopted her later that year.

Education Team

Agathe Couvreur
Worms Manager
Agathe hails from the Parc Naturel Régional des Alpilles, where she was rasied by a family of bears. As a cub, she helped tend the beehives, forage for food, and serve tourists in the family cafe. Studying abroad in the Andean Cloud Forest, she specialised in insect relations and languages. She now leads our worms department during the summer, and sleeps during the winter.

Jonny van Beek
Human Resource Designer
Jonny is both human and resourceful, rare qualities in our line of work. Descended from a long line of yacht-thieves, Jonny found design as an escape from the family business. He became a legend in the English design community after completely designing the south coast. Replacing the signs cost tax-payers billions, and we immediately offered him a job.

Daniel Naguib
Chairman of the Bored
Having been a successful Digimon tamer for more than twenty years, Daniel opted for a mid-life career change and joined our janitorial team. He quickly rose to the top, humiliating his peers in a series of historic rap battles which became the focus of an acclaimed Netflix series. He now presides over board meetings in a similar fashion.

Henry Guille
Chief of Immaterial Science
As an immaterial scientist, Henry is our only employee to have transcended the physical realm. Having shed his corporeal form, he is ideally suited to corporate espionage, site visitations, and spiritual guidance. He also works part time for John Lewis, modelling bed sheets.

Construction Team

Servann Hérou
Head of Taxidermy
A founding member of the UN, Servann smuggled himself to us in a refrigerator we bought at Argos. The refrigerator didn't work, so we bought another one. We found Servann inside that one too. In his spare time, Servann enjoys a nice glass of water and listening to cosmic background radiation.

Jack Evans
Christmas man who lifts things for people
Jack got his PhD in gravitational modelling at the University of Abergavenny in 1992. After a freak accident with poorly written center-of-mass function, Jack was transformed into a holiday themed powerlifter. He pulls a lot of weight in this organisation.

Current gender pH: 6.66 ...That's slightly acidic.