Meet our award winning team below. Without them, none of them would be here.
Brand Management
Elowyn Stevenson Chief Executive
Officer During Elowyn's first six months she
ruled with an iron fist. There was unparalleled productivity during this time, but after the team purchased an industrial strength electro-magnet, a compromise
was reached. Elowyn now rules with a copper fist, and productivity flounders once again.
Kathy
Stevenson Key Beeper We found Kathy wrapped in a blanket, floating
peacefully down the Yangtze River while we were there on business in 1998. She had ended up in the river after dropping out of art school at the age of 13. We
immediately brought her onboard and brought her onboard. Elowyn officially adopted her later that year.
Servann Hérou Head of Taxidermy A founding member of the UN, Servann smuggled
himself to us in a refrigerator we bought at Argos. The refrigerator didn't work, so we bought another one. We found Servann inside that one too. In his spare
time, Servann enjoys a nice glass of water and listening to cosmic background radiation.
Tara Guyard President of the Future Department of Procrastinaton Coming soon...
Junior Management
Toby Hoten Morale After the courts found us "guilty", the press labelled us "evil", and the National Institute For Comedy called us "not funny", we brought Toby in as ethical consultant. Professor of Moral Philosophy at the University of Toby, Dr. Hoten does impressive work exploring the correlation between indecision and video games. Toby recommends always doing the opposite of what he says, so we don't. W'all'dn't've known what to do without him.
Henry Guille Chief of Immaterial
Science As an immaterial scientist, Henry is our only employee to have
transcended the physical realm. Having shed his corporeal form, he is ideally suited to corporate espionage, site visitations, and spiritual guidance. He also
works part time for John Lewis, modelling bed sheets.
Analytics Team
Filippo Grassi Head Cleaner Filippo has more than thirty years experience cleaning heads. He's cleaned fish heads, tape heads, and many other heads. He began his career as a roadie for
Talking Heads, making sure they were immaculate.
Jonny van Beek Human Resource
Designer Jonny is both human and resourceful, rare qualities in our line
of work. Descended from a long line of yacht-thieves, Jonny found design as an escape from the family business. He became a legend in the English design
community after completely designing the south coast. Replacing the signs cost tax-payers billions, and we immediately offered him a job.
Education Team
Agathe Couvreur Worms Manager Agathe hails from the Parc Naturel Régional des Alpilles, where she was rasied by a family of bears. As a cub,
she helped tend the beehives, forage for food, and serve tourists in the family cafe. Studying abroad in the Andean Cloud Forest, she specialised in insect
relations and languages. She now leads our worms department during the summer, and sleeps during the winter.
Jason Waddell Head of Acquisitions Optimization Jason
joined us in 2014 to help smooth our purchase of Google. He joined on a Monday - by Tuesday he had fired the entire Mergers and Acquisitions department, on
Wednesday he made our offer, on Thursday it was declined, and on Friday we celebrated with the money we'd saved. There was still so much left over that we kept
him on, and since then he's helped us nearly buy Walmart, Boeing, BT, and Pizza Hut. The savings have been phenomenal.
Hong Kong Office
Rayan Haindl Chief Food Omnomer Our talented CFO is
formally on loan to us from the ETH University Library, and we never intend to return him. Under our nurturing, he has grown from an introductory Mathematica
manual into a critically acclaimed popular science anthology. He is currently studying to become a graphic novel, and one day hopes to win a Pulitzer Prize.
Project Officers
Jack Evans Christmas man who lifts things for people Jack got his PhD in gravitational modelling at the University of Abergavenny
in 1992. After a freak accident with poorly written center-of-mass function, Jack was transformed into a holiday themed powerlifter. He pulls a lot of weight in
this organisation.
Spinny Senior Web Designer Spinny ballooned into our office one day and took up residence in the kitchen window. Impressed by
her grace and number of legs, we made her head of web design and demoted Doug to an intern. Our website is now more beautiful than ever and it even catches
flies.
Research Team
Daniel Naguib Chairman of the Bored Having been a successful Digimon tamer for more than twenty years, Daniel
opted for a mid-life career change and joined our janitorial team. He quickly rose to the top, humiliating his peers in a series of historic rap battles which
became the focus of an acclaimed Netflix series. He now presides over board meetings in a similar fashion.
Habad Olad Mayor of Africa Habad Olad is an elusive bug-type pokemon developed by Toshiba for invasive species management. We stole him
from the women's clothing department at Peter Jones, where he worked for many years. If seen, make a small offering of gold and then please contact the British Trust for Ornithology or come to us directly.
Douglas Maguire Web Design Intern Doug appeared on our radar while we were up there one day and we discovered
him sleeping on it. We cleaned him up and fed him a good meal, and now we can't get rid of him. But we wouldn't want to anyway.
Current gender pH: 6.66 ...That's slightly acidic.